The grass is always greener on the other side.

Many of you that have read this journal can pick up the feeling that I may not be the happiest person right now. I've been miserable before and I know I will be miserable in the future. I will experience grief, death of others, unexpected changes, and what will probably be the worst are the things I can't even imagine. Still here I sit at my business desk in a Marriott thinking how great it would be just be around the roommates and have a conversation about nothing. I'm not someone who expects to relive the college days. I wanted out at the end, I was driven to accomplish everything I needed to. I thought I was mature, but only now have I started to realize all the growing up I have left to do. All the growing up I don't want to do.

This past weekend I decided to send out my resume to several aggies and several advertising agencies. Casting the line I was expecting only a nibble. Instead something struck the bobber quick and hard and it soon disappeared beneath the placid lake. My inbox did compose of several non person emails...."thank you for your interest in Corporation A, we are delighted that you applied and will be in contact with you if a position arises that we see as a good match. We also would like to inform you that we will hold onto your resume for 12 months and will look at it for future opportunities." What surprised me were the emails that said please get back in touch with us, we would like to interview you. Old co-workers saying to call them as they are in positions to help me. A great dilemma now arises. Do I act upon these invitations or do I wait things out? I've only been here for a month yet my gut tells me that is long enough to know what to do. Still Ford has put money and time into me and I would feel bad leaving them for that reason. However I feel at the same time wouldn't hold them back all that much. They make 15,000 or so for every Navigator sold and I haven't been paid that much yet, so whats one more SUV. It's a lot less of an expense that their old CEO Jack Nasser aquired for the Fords and I'm just a lowly field rep.

I don't want to kick myself in several months wishing I hadn't given up on Ford. I also don't want to kick myself when the May graduates graduate and fill positions that I have a chance at now. Life isn't black and white. Life isn't risk free either, but we all try to keep it to a minimum. Here I am in Mishiwaka, Indiana. I went to the mall this afternoon as my phone charger broke and needed replacing. Looking at stores such as the Great American Cookie Co. or Radio Shack, I look at the employees and wonder how they have fallen into this routine. How did they end up here out of all the places in Indiana, the Midwest, the USA, the world? They are here working at a retail store in Mishiwaka, Indiana. Did they chase love, did they not want to leave family, is there something that attracts them about their little store or this little town? I don't have the answers to these questions. I only have the thought that people settle, they don't strive to find what excites them. They are content, they stay.

"This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Is it everything you’ve dreamed it would be
When the world was younger
and you had everything to lose

don’t close your eyes
don’t close your eyes

yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over"~Switchfoot